to quote tennyson, from 'ulysses'
"...though much is taken, much abides; and though
we are not now that strength which in old days
moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are ---
one equal temper of heroic hearts,
made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."
true.
we’ve each all have gone through or going through some rough patch in our lives, whether it’s relationship, love, life in general, etc., etc., one time or another, the most common thing that someone with insight would suggest or advised, is to “let it go”. words that always seem easier said than done and it’s true. i won’t deny it, to each his/her own.
letting go is a challenge in itself, but getting over it could be just as challenging, if not, maybe even harder. plenty of people will be at liberty to say keep yourself occupied to keep your mind off whatever dilemma or situation you’re dealing with. speaking from experience and i personally think it's more efficient to just let it out as it comes, it’s more effective this way. be down; be depressed; be pathetic; be dismal; be angry; it’s your god given right to be. it’s inevitable, you're supposed to. it’s not a sin to feel the way you feel, it’s yours and yours alone. personally, i’d feel it until it’s numb. just don’t forget not to allow yourself fall so deep in your funk that you lose the ability to connect or re-connect to the world, that the people in your life, your friends and your family are your life line, your support and your crutches. allow yourself to need them, let them be there for you. it's no charge, it's free.
alexandre dumas in ‘the count of monte cristo’ wrote, “for all evils, there are two remedies – time and silence.”
it’s true that “time heals all wounds”, but selfishly trying to tackle on your pain(s) alone, fighting to avoid the reality and just simply telling yourself so in silence will only make the pain, the hurt and suffering last longer. you fear, that you don’t allow yourself to involve someone else in your suffering, you close yourself off, while convincing yourself, you’re not really hurting anyone directly by doing so, except maybe yourself a little or even more. i know this, because i learned it the hard way, still learning actually. it’s okay, it's okay to ask for help, it’s okay to be vulnerable and to need someone. yes, it’s easier to be jaded and be too afraid to ask, afraid that you might be making a big mistake by opening yourself up, but the biggest mistake you can ever make is being too afraid to make one or another. time will always heal things, but might as well use your time efficiently and effectively. confronting it and dealing with it right here, right now, right there and then will allow you more time to start off with a clean slate, start a new, start from scratch, rebuild. so take those steps forward, but maybe take those bigger harder steps with someone, like with a friend instead of the small easy steps by your own self.
i can honestly admit to myself and to anyone that might ask, that i’ve been both types. i’ve been the survivor, i became stronger despite of and i’ve been the one who figuratively died, somewhere deep down inside, where a piece of me died, because i went at it alone and at one point or another, i gave up. i became both types together, i became something else, a hybrid, the third type.
my grandpa said, the third type are the ones who learned to love the fire, the ones who can thread on the edge, in near drowning of their own mistakes, sorrow and miseries. they choose to stay in their own crucible, because it has become easier to embrace the pain and suffering they’re in than simply let go, they have made that choice, sacrificed alone and to be alone, for someone else and perhaps for themselves as well, they have become numb, but more like bulletproof per say and because it’s all they have come to know, upon realizing that it is for the best and that even though is not much like living at the same time understanding that living is not for the weak.
so, which one are you?
whichever you are, be it, own it.
i have become the third type, but don’t get me wrong. i’m not jaded or anything, well maybe a little, lol. BUT personally when you have been the first two types, you can become the third type, by choice. there are many times i choose to feel nothing and by saying ‘feel nothing’ with a play on words, feeling nothing is feeling something, it is easy to misunderstand. it’s true i choose to feel nothing, when you have been there, have done that and gone through things and survived it AND when you have also experienced the figurative death. when you combined both memories of consciousness from both experiences, at the junction of those two moments where you feel anger, confusion, loneliness and fear all at once, take those and exponentially multiply it to which ever degree of difficulty of the situations at the time. the product of both, is such feeling that is something i choose to try to not experience again. so, if you might think that my choice of to feel nothing is a reflection of me not caring, well i would have to beg to differ, it's quite the contrary, when the truth is precisely the opposite.
take in relationships for example, in some relationship when it ends, some people would easily suggest automatically, that a person that walks away, it is because they no longer care, no longer love the other, in many cases it is true, status quo dictates this. but personally, it’s deeper than it is, it was a choice i made, a sacrifice i took, a suffering i lived (or perhaps still living with) and with reasons to which i’ll keep within. i know it sounds a bit contradicting, but life is a contradiction. love and life in general are full of contradictions, but that’s for another subject/story/entry.
so, to anyone feeling the world isn't on your side lately. i say to you, it gets better, you just have to keep faith, in yourself for the most part, it starts and ends with you. and knowing the distinction between hope and expectations, is the key. it’s ok to need people, but keep your expectations to a level, expect less, so that you do not set yourself up for a bitter disappointment when your expectations aren't met. to simply hope, to hope that things will work themselves out like they’re supposed to, added with some trust and faith. keep faith in fate. as cliches goes, do expect the worst and always hope for the best.
exactly, think about it.
but you know what’s the upside in all of these? that you are your own book. you have the very power of the pen to write and re-write your own story. you can open and close any chapter in your life. to start a new or to some extremes, you can tear up a page or even an entire chapter if you so choose to do so.
as far as writing your own book, you have all the tools and means to somewhat predestine how your entire story goes. all the moments, all the memories are yours for keeping, it’s your ultimate choice to share or reveal, these are within your very power of choice.
just keep it open, keep an open mind and heart. after all you never know what your future story holds, who could walk into your life next per say. it could be that one answer you been searching for, the ‘one’ or it could be something else, but it is for sure, for certainty, it can be the next page or chapter in your life.
new inspirations and new beginnings are always in the horizon and happiness should always be an option, it’s always ultimately your choice, just simply make it.
choose it, own it.
at some point, we all have to make it do with all the hurt, the pain and let it go. all at the same time while moving forward, we have “…to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."
keep it moving.
post script – one of my grandpa’s very own crucible was world war two, so ultimately, he knows suffering, he has seen it first hand in the battle field, i can only fathom the mindset after going through such experience. i admire and commend all these men and women who has served and still serves our country in every branch the military.
AND if you’re reading this, i hope it make sense. this was written free write, so it is raw and maybe subject to punctuation/grammar correction and edit. lol.
